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Mark Thomas: bring on the coronation protestors

Police threats to crack down on protests against the monarchy aren't about law and order- they're just demands for deference.

May 04 2023, 11.05am

With the Windsor’s big dressing up day upon us, it was inevitable that the Daily Mail would break the news that protestors are about to ruin the event. The Met Police, we are told, are on stand-by, in case protestors let off rape alarms to scare the horses. 

Protestors, as all Daily Mail readers know, are not like us. They’re unreasonable and will do anything to spoil it for sensible people. Just Stop Oil will glue themselves to something, members of Republic will create a Phil Spector sonic wall of boo’s, and Meghan could turn up dressed as an old crone offering bright shiny apples to Kate and William. 

As ever in the Mail’s world total chaos is only a deferred truncheon blow away. Oh, if only the creation of total chaos was that easy. 

Bring on the protestors, say I. Hell, I’m prepared to sponsor them. I’ll pay hard cash for the first naked Zorb baller to crash the Abbey. Rotating flesh in a condensation-drenched plastic orb rolling over the heads of heads of the state, that’s got to be worth a tenner of anyone's money. 

“No one does pomp and ceremony quite like the British” they mew… well try saying that in North Korea… I mean they do ceremony very well in North Korea… but also try saying anything there. You get the gist. The idea that no other nation can put on a parade is blithe fantasy. 

The real threat the Windsor family face is not from protestors but from the indifference

What there has been is a growing vocal dissent from the bowing, scraping and assorted cap doffing normally required for the monarchy. A survey for the National Centre for Social Research in April showed support for the royals at an all time low.

And yet the expression of republican sentiment within sight of the so called ‘royal family’ - or as we call it, our right to non-violent protest - has seen the police arresting people not for infringing the law, but for an unswerving belief that a lack of deference should be illegal. A belief that if someone shouts “nonce” at Andrew Windsor, then someone should stand trial - and it shouldn’t be Andrew Windsor.

The real threat the Windsor family face is not from protestors, but from the indifference and antagonism that accompanies an anachronism. There are over two million people using food banks and we’re forking out millions of public money to billionaires and urged to join in celebrations of their innate superiority. Well, not surprisingly, an increasing number of people are saying something between, “Not for me” and “Where’s the guillotine?” 

The Windsors are filthy rich: “let’s-buy-Twitter” rich. They are so rich they should be test firing their own private space rockets along side Bezos and Musk, through in the tradition of the British monarchy their rocket would be gold plated… and most likely stolen. They have a feudally acquired portfolio of property, literally the biggest in the world. 

They are billionaires, who, in the habit of billionaires, pay tax on a voluntary basis. 

Oh and never, ever do they pay inheritance tax - somewhat ironically as inheritance is pretty crucial to their whole gig. 

 If William ever ascends the throne, we should fully expect a coronation Colin the Caterpillar cake

They have jewellery that should by rights be on Crimewatch. They literally claim to rule over us. And what do we get? We get a recipe for quiche…in the middle of an egg shortage. 

Quiche. The ideal snack when other food is unavailable. Nothing says “I haven’t given this much thought” quite like quiche. Three cheers and long live Charles and Camilla the M&S monarchs! If William ever ascends the throne, we should fully expect a coronation Colin the Caterpillar cake.

In the Abbey, Charles will sit on a chair with the ‘Stone of Destiny’ underneath it, which, let me be clear, is a stone that has been transported from Scotland for the ceremony and placed under his chair. Commentators all across the broadcasting world will call this “a noble tradition” because …well because if it wasn’t noble and traditional it would be just unbelievably fucking stupid to say “I am king because I have a special stone.”

On top of his magic bric-a-brac - the Pebble of Righteousness, the Stick of Brilliance, the Marble of Fecundity —Windsor Snr. will be anointed king chosen by God, in a ceremony conducted by bishops, archbishops and a bunch of assorted unelected gown hustlers who strangely get a right to sit in Parliament and decide our fate. If Windsor is chosen by God, you have to wonder what other candidates were passed over? Who was on the short list for them to get the gig? Matt Hancock? Sue Pollard? Charles Manson and the Family?

It is all a bit fucking nuts. 

Why can’t I eat swan? Even if I don’t want to?

If you have gone along with all of this and genuinely believe God has chosen Charles to be king then you should indeed pledge allegiance to him. You should swear bonds of fealty to his holy appointed genetic lineage and all that springs from his god-given loins. You might even consider making a blood oath, though if you genuinely accept a holy appointed Charles, you probably shouldn’t be handling a sharp implement. 

For liberal commentators the pledge of allegiance is the line they will not cross, but for republicans it is but an item on a list of concerns. Why declare anyone a king? On what grounds are the Windsors our betters? Why can’t I eat swan? Even if I don’t want to? 

With the crisis of greed, the cost of living, increasing poverty, the destruction of the NHS, the undermining of democracy, with the total shit show we have endured and will continue to endure, we are being asked to pledge allegiance to wealthy tax dodgers. Tax dodgers who will sit in a church in front of other wealthy tax dodgers, The Sunak family, Nadhim Zahawi, possibly Jimmy Carr and Gary Barlow. 

Most of this will be broadcast by media companies owned by wealthy tax dodgers. While we, the tax payers, pay for it and are asked to pledge allegiance to them because… well…god… tradition…don’t spoil it for everyone… they are good for tourism…envy of the world… blah blah fucking blah. 

A monarchy doesn’t just illustrate inequality, being the ‘haves’ in the ‘haves and have nots’ equation, they are the beacon of inequality. They are born to their position and we to ours and as such they must be done away with. I’m not calling for the French solution; but if they really are the envy of the world, someone else can have them.


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