Speaking as an intergalactic extra-terrestrial, one of my favourite aspects of UK elections is the roster of locations that get chosen for the results announcements. Who needs the opulence of Versailles or the majesty of the Sigma IX Senate House when you have the Queensmead Sports Centre, South Ruislip. As if it wasn’t enough to be partaking in a competition to become a Member of Parliament, I was doing so at the home of the legendary Ruislip Eagles Handball Club, who describe themselves as “one of the oldest teams in the borough”. I could feel the history all around me. I didn’t know men could build such things.
I was the only candidate still standing from the 2019 election, making me the much-needed stability candidate
Naturally my performance was the headline news of the night. But we mustn’t forget the small print, which was that the Conservative candidate (I still have no idea who he is) surprisingly managed to hold onto the seat for the government. He put his victory down to voters repudiating London mayor Sadiq Khan’s ULEZ (ultra-low emissions zone) policy, and to the Labour Party’s unpopular adherence to it.
But if ULEZ truly was an issue on the doorstep, the problem wasn’t the levy itself - but who should pay for it. Mr Khan thinks drivers of older vehicles should stump up the cash. I say it should be means-tested, and anyone who can’t afford the fee should have their vehicle replaced with a new, cleaner model, with the cost being paid entirely by a windfall tax on oil companies. I call this scheme UWINTHEYLUZ.
I am sure that my success can be ascribed to two key factors: firstly, I was the only candidate still standing in Uxbridge from the 2019 election, making me the much-needed stability candidate; and secondly, there was the mammoth breadth of my policy platform, which mixed the global, the national and the local, offering something to everyone.
To help save the planet, I unveiled my new pledge that under a Binface administration, anyone who does not accept climate change as fact must go back to school, from Year 1 all the way through to A Levels, to see if anything goes in the second time round.
To rescue the British economy and tackle inflation, I continued my demand that croissants must be price-capped at £1. To solve the problem of fake news, I campaigned to bring back Ceefax.
And to improve the local constituency I reiterated my promise to move the hand dryer in the gents’ urinals at the Crown & Treaty to a more sensible position.
If that wasn’t enough, I even went to the Crown & Treaty and signed a treaty with the Crown & Treaty, at the Crown & Treaty, whereby the pub and I agreed an intergalactically binding pact that on my election as an MP they would move the hand dryer.
This kind of thing is unheard of: I’m a politician who actually keeps his promises.
I have reinforced my position as the leading force in ‘novelty’ politics on Earth, which should mean I’ll be the leading force in politics full stop, before you know it.
In fact, next year is a big one. The planets are moving into a rare conjunction, and 2024 will see a London Mayoral, UK General and US Presidential election all in the same 12 months. Move over Pep Guardiola, I’m going for the treble.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must attend to other matters. My reclining feet have just pushed the navicom on my starship and I’m heading straight for the massive asteroid that’s right now winging its way to Earth. Don’t worry, you’ll see it for yourselves in the not-too-distant future. I guess I could shunt it for you, but you’ll have to vote for me first. Fair’s fair.
See you soon.