Ban Sex from Sex Ed!

What is going on in relationships and sex education lessons in school? My Rt. Hon. friend and near namesake Miriam Coates MP, a sleepless guardian of public morals, has blown the whistle on allegations that sex - sex! - was mentioned during sex education classes up and down, up and down, up and down the land. Her think tank - The New Social Covenant Unit, which asserts it is not a think tank and, might I add, is not a discarded draft by Margaret Atwood - had diligently collected anonymised parents’ complaints on the matter.  The complaints were trumpeted in the Telegraph, and handed to the Prime Minister, who duly promised an inquiry - much to the outrage of the biassed wokerati, whose only qualification to opine on education is that they teach for a living.

Mr. Sunak has done well to listen to the Covenant. After all, their entirely non-fascist motto is Family – Community – Nation, and their values are as commonsensical and Christian as a chastity belt: “Marriage is a public institution and essential to society,” their manifesto declares, and in case you wondered why, “Marriage is the way society regulates baby-making.” Who wouldn’t trust these people with their daughters? 

The Covenant has uncovered that rather than being carefully groomed for baby-making,  “the nation’s children are being put at risk” by learning about dangerous ideological notions like sex, and - dare I say it -  sexuality. They have done right to put parents’ concerns front and centre. Parents are, famously, any young person’s first port of call for any inquiry on sex and procreation. Why we should assume kids need, or even want, to talk to anyone else about it is beyond me.

True, a BBC report from 2020 found British teenagers are increasingly turning not to picture books but to pornography as an educational tool; almost half of teenagers aged 16 and 17 said they had recently perused porn, with researchers estimating actual figures are far higher because, frankly, answering this question is inevitably awks. 75% of parents did not believe their children would have watched pornography; the majority of these parents’ children told the researchers they had viewed adult material. And a more recent study, released just this week, showed a fifth of 14 to 18 year olds perused pornography frequently, with some reporting they feel addicted and others speaking candidly about how early exposure to porn impacted their own sexual experiences. But these figures - like any figures - should not shake our core beliefs: parents always know best, and teenagers don’t know about sex unless teachers introduce this idea into their vulnerable minds. And anyway, the only appropriate way to talk about children to unwed young people is through the story of the stork, or, if you’re feeling a bit French, le cabbage. 

What teen would ever, ever consider masturbation?

As if sex was not enough, the Covenant found teachers are also introducing ideas like “masturbation” into innocent teenage minds who would never, ever have considered such self-abuse. Sure, a Swedish study found in 2016 that the average age of first masturbation was 13 years for girls and 12.4 years for boys, but did we defend our luscious isle from randy Scandis  for naught? On Albion, I am certain that would paint a very different picture, if only a statistically significant sample of parents could be recruited to poll their kids on sex preferences. After all, our best and brightest already discovered in the 19th century that masturbation leads to problems like finger warts, uterine disease, cancer of the womb, sterility, small or droopy breasts and spinal abnormalities; it is shameful that we are pushing children on this harmful path. 

But do these classroom terrorists stop there? They do not. As my honourable fellow members wrote to the PM, "children are being indoctrinated with radical and unevidenced ideologies about sex and gender," such as the existence of LGB - and even T! - people. Quoth an astounded Telegraph: "Organisations including Stonewall, the LGBTQ+ charity, began working with hundreds of schools on how to 'map out an LGBT-inclusive approach to relationships and sex education'" [note to ed.:  too obviously homophobic? ed: that's where the Tories are heading, might as well leave it in.] Parents report that their children report that they are being taught there are 72 or even 100 genders; teenagers, of course, being notoriously reliable in their school updates and not prone to exaggeration. Reader, there are only two genders: heterosexuality and chastity. Tragically, the Rainbow Britain (2022) report revealed that only 71% of Gen Z identifies as straight, compared to 91% of Baby Boomers. This is what schools are doing to our children: teaching them it's ok to come out and live fulfilled and happy lives. What British parent would be comfortable with this?

Let's bring back Section 28

The picture is all too clear. Teachers are the only remaining Marxist force in the country (alongside sports presenters), and they pose a threat to our children. The complete and utter lack of accountability, oversight, school inspections, voluminous safeguarding protocols, Prevent monitoring and Ofsted visits is such that these deviants feel perfectly at ease to follow the Conservative government’s own policies on sex and relationships education and even - alas- the Equality Act. 

Enough. Let us return to the enlightened times of Section 28, which was instituted in circumstance eerily reminiscent to today: MPs collated complaints that children under two had access to gay and lesbian books in Lambeth, that pupils were being encouraged into homosexuality and taught that a mummy + daddy family was outdated, and that talking about homosexuality in schools led to the spread of AIDS. These were taken at face value, dumped onto the tabloid press, and hey, presto.

Granted, these claims have never been substantiated, but we don’t need evidence to believe them, right? The important thing is we got results: innumerable lives mangled. Now that’s a Conservative government unafraid to stand up to wokery and deliver. Good man, Rishi Sunak, taking a step in the right direction: backwards.

Let teens be teens. We shouldn’t be introducing them to radical, woke, snowflake ideas such as sex, sexuality and desire. We really don’t need them to learn about getting to know their bodies (eww) or such continental ideas as enjoying sex while not utterly sloshed (gasp.) We certainly don’t want them to learn about consent, or about safe sex - if we delegate the “regulation of baby making” to the baby makers, how will we ever make up for cheap labour shortages post Brexit? I ask you. 

And I repeat my cry: let teens be teens! Let them play with soldiers and Barbies or whatever kids do nowadays. They can wait until they are adults to lay back and think of England.

M. Coates-Hanger is not yet an MP. It is the alter-ego of a teacher who talks LGBTQ issues - to teens, God help us! - every day of the week. 

Take Action 

Despite its close alignment with real-life Tory logic, the above piece is, obviously, satire. If you want to actually do something for young people in Britain faced with an ever-escalating assault on their identities and lives, consider donating to the following organisations: 

• Sexpression is a network of university students providing sex and health education to schools. 
• Schools Out was founded after the abolition of Section 28 to promote equality for LGBTQ people in education. 
• Stonewall is the largest and oldest LGBTQ organisation in the UK